Scents

I was thinking about the Robertson's today.

No, it didn't involve any interviews, or anything such as that.

For some reason, I was thinking of the episode where Miss Kay was hanging laundry on the line.

I thought it odd, folks of their means not having a clothes dryer. Then, I thought perhaps Phil and Kay prefer the natural fragrance of sun-dried clothing to the artificial dryer sheet fragrances.

Of course, this got the wheels turning about the Clean Cotton, and Fresh Linen, and related air products on the market. Which in turn got me to reflecting upon the lack of backyard clothes lines in America today. By natural progression, it occurred to me about the only place one sees clothes lines is Ohio's Amish country.

And, of course, this led to wondering “What kind of scented candles do the Amish buy?”

Let's face it, the majority of fragrances have a rural, country, simple life theme. Amish don't need sun-dried linen, apple pie, summer meadow, fresh baked bread, nor new mown hay or leather. They have that all the time, day in and day out.

I then wondered if there is an Amish Bizarro world of scented candles.

Do the quaint little shops we tourists flock to on Saturdays have a dark, seedy back room restricted to “Amish Only”?

There, on display and for purchase, are such exotic fragrances as “Microwave Popcorn” and “Brand New Computer”. A big seller for use in barns is “Li'l GTO; Gas, Tires,Oil”. Do young couples hang the provocative scent of “Hot Tub with Chlorine” in their buggies? A huge mover with the more risque members of the community would be “Fire Engine Red Nail polish”.

While visions of Amish in disguise (how would that work? Fake beards ain't gonna fly) stumbled in my head, I then pondered upon scents that didn't make it past the focus groups.

There are some that need no thought, such as “Four Day Old Roadkill” and “Broken Septic Tank”. “Fishing Trawler in August” never got off the ground.

But.... what about the others? “Burnt Coffee in the Pot”, why don't we see that one? For some reason “Diesel Bus Exhaust” and “Chicken Coop” didn't make the cut. We will never see “Spoiled Potato” and “Stale Beer & Cigarettes” in the stores. Are you looking for “Model Airplane Glue”? Forget it. “Sour Milk” and “Car Sick Toddler” were destined to be losers.

Yet, there are some that aren't all that bad.... “Campfire” could have been a contender. “Hoppes No. 9” and “Gunsmoke” would be a huge hit with hunters and shooters.

“Freshly Caught Trout” could be a hit with the Orvis set. Couple this with “Split Cedar Creel”, and you have an instant success.

“Ham-n-Eggs” would be a good way to jump start your day. Another top seller would be “Mama's Spaghetti Sauce”. Paired with “Fresh Garlic Bread”, it could not be beat.

Then, there are the more quirky ones. Thinks like “Lit Coleman Lantern”, and “WD-40”, “Black Walnut Husks” would find a nice niche market.

For those who are a bit more edgy, there could be “Skunk” and “Wet Dog”.

Comfort scents of “Wool Blanket & Mothballs”, “Worn Baseball Glove”, “New Tennis Balls”, and “Family Bible” would find a following.

Of course, the ultimate fragrance would be “Old Barn”; an exquisitely balanced blend of horses, cattle, fresh hay, the sharp tang of gasoline, and the smooth undertones of tractor grease and oil, all bound together by the warm effects of weathered wood....Ahhhh.....

Yankee Candle, get your R&D group busy!!