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Saturday, April 27, 2013


The show-down at High Noon came a tad early. As my Lovely Bride has a community obligation at 12:45 today, we were able to plead our case, and be weighed early.
Yes, the Evil Red Scale was there; with a malevolent sneer upon its cool, immovable visage. It glared at us, mocking, taunting. "Come on, Big Boy, let's see what you got! Wait... I know what you got... TOO MUCH OF YOU.HAAHAAAHAAA!" No one likes a wise-cracking scale early on a Saturday morning.
I emptied my pockets and removed my shoes. After some goading, I did acquiesce and removed my shirt. I hope the ladies present don't tell Jaime; I don't want the poor boy to feel badly. One attendee advocated removing my belt as well. Knowing that would not have a real good outcome, I passed on that suggestion.
Lovely Bride and I looked at one another, silently daring the other to go first. I knew she had NO WORRIES, she has been doing fantastic! I steeled my nerves and stepped upon the cool, smirking, surface of the little red monster. I gazed at the number.
Quickly, I did the math in my head. My degree is in History with an English minor; so I am still doing the math, but others in attendance stated I had passed the 5% barrier. I will have to take their word for it. That whole "take away" and "point this, point that" thing… it is ridiculous. Speaking as a Historian; the original practice of lining up sticks or stones to count the number of mastodons in a field still works fine. Oh sure, there may have been some who quibbled that a young mastodon didn't count as a whole mastodon and probably insisted upon breaking a stick in half; but overall it worked quite nicely.
The problem arose when early man tried to transport their counting systems. It was quickly discovered the entire village was needed to carry everything out to the field so Borj can count mastodons. Poor ol' Borj soon found himself being left out of invitations to fire making parties. No one asked him to join in a fun evening of chipping spear points
It was due to filling a deep social need the hunting and farming cultures combined. Borj discovered he had a lot more friends when he exchanged his sticks and stones for dried beans. Hence, he became the first bean-counter known to mankind.
But, I digress.
Yes, I have vanquished the Ultimate Scale of Truth. I thank you all for your support and prayers over the past couple of days.
Lovely Bride and I continue on this journey as a couple, supporting one another. I am looking forward to it. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Getting Ready to Sing

The swan is rummaging for sheet music.
The large female vocalist is warming up her voice.
(I am far too sensitive of a fellow and too politically correct to say something like "the fat lady is getting read to sing". How boorish.)
This Saturday, at High Noon... (cue the theme from Good, Bad, and Ugly)... I face the Scale of Ultimate Truth.

Do not forsake me, oh my home scale.
I will face my adversary with a steely gaze, a firm jaw, and planning to walk away the winner.

Yep... this will be the last round-up for some folks.

Laura will be standing by with her calculator, feverishly seeing who has dropped the requisite 5% of starting weight. No drop-pie, no continue-ie.
Cut and dried.
So long, fare well, vaya con Dios, Amigo. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Now, according to my Scale of Truth at home, I am well past the five percent. I am a hair over 8% loss.
BUT... (please, no sophomoric comments about a "large but") I have noted a difference between my Scale of Truth vs. Laura's scale. Hence, the behind the scenes vocal exercises.
Oh sure, I could consume about 700 calories a day for the remainder of the week.
Yeah, I could exercise every waking minute.
However, reality slips under the door: this episode with pneumonia really took the wind out of my sails.

I have tried using my weights at home. The result has been 5 or 10 minutes into the routine I begin hacking like a cat with a 3 pound hair-ball.

I have tried to reduce my intake; only to have discovered if I don't eat a reasonable amount of food, the blasted bug tries to creep back into my lungs.

And... to add a bit of whimsy to the above; a delightful little side effect of the anti-inflammatory I was on is weight gain. Even weeks later!
While I didn't gain, I have not lost at the rate I would have desired.

I am hoping to let you know how I vanquished the Scale.
Keep me in your prayers.
And.. Cori... should I not make the cut; I will be dropping by to pick-up my jelly doughnuts.

Sunday, April 7, 2013


It is well known there are phrases which can result in panic, elevated heart rates, and a sense of total abandonment.
Some of these phrases are:
"Hello, I am from the IRS."
"Dear, we need to finish that spare bedroom. We are going to need it in about 8 months."
"The parts aren't much, but it is about 4 hours of labor"
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
And….  Three Little Words guaranteed  to elicit a deer-in-the-headlights look:
Such was my response Saturday when my Lovely Bride reminded me of our obligation. Being in the throes of a pneumonia relapse, there were very few things I would have rather not heard than those words.
Dutifully, I dragged myself from my cozy place, to begin preparations for the trek to Concord. We did have a bit of a debate regarding the time to converge upon L.E.A.N. Living to face Laura's Ultimate Scale of Truth.
In order to prepare for the harsh reality of the Little Red Fiend (as I have come to refer to her scale), I stepped upon the Scale of Truth. Oh happy, joy, joy! The equivalent of 12 Quarter Pounders below 200 pounds; Life is good.. With a song in my heart, I came down stairs.
We arrived at L.E.A.N. Living, having passed one of Mr. Gobbles' cousins at Crile and Auburn Roads, to a sparsely occupied parking lot. Hmmm…. I guess one of us (I won't be as gauche as to say whom) was correct about this requirement beginning at Noon.
Undeterred, we sauntered through the doors. There, we were greeted by none other than Jamie Brenkus himself. Yes, "Mr. 8 Minute Abs" himself.
 We had yet to meet Jamie.  In fact, I was beginning to think he was a mythic being, solely concocted to market health and fitness products. Kind of like the Hannah Montana of the Fitness World. No, here he was. After a hurried salutation, ( I did have a bottle of water on the ride….) I was able to return and chat briefly with him.
Upon realizing our minor faux pas of being 90 minutes early, he stated that was fine. I was hoping he would announce "Reprieved!", and send us upon our merry way.  Not quite… rather he cheerily retrieved the Little Red Fiend, a pad of paper, & pen.
 Well…this wasn't quite what I was hoping for.
With a smile he invited us to step upon the scale, he would tell Laura our numbers. Being the bold, courageous, brave husband I am, I deferred to my Lovely Bride. With a sigh of relief, she exclaimed the numbers were the same as at home. My spirits thus buoyed, I stepped up. Not bad, not bad at all. When I mentioned to Jamie it was more than at home, he said that is fine; overall, it is down. In fact, he was quite supportive. When he found out about my recent malady; he was impressed my weight was down at all.  During our conversation, my frustration at not being able to exercise was mentioned. His words of wisdom for me:
"Don't Rush It!! Let your body tell you when it is ready. Listen to your body."
By mid afternoon, I was back in my cozy place, the gentle waves of slumber rolling over me.
Hey! Who am I to argue with America's Premier weight-loss trainer and coach?

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

3 Days

Three days. A mere 72 hours.

Three days since our home was invaded, not by our offspring and their offspring; rather by all manner of insidious, sneaky, cleverly disguised "nutritional plan" busters.

The effects are still being felt.
My Lovely Bride, always the gracious hostess, purchased 11 pounds of boneless, sliced ham. My inner being rejoiced greatly at this news. She also purchased two wonderful, flaky homemade strudels. And... knowing it is one of my favorites, a lemon meringue pie. Toss in an extra large skillet of homemade cornbread (not that blue box stuff!), and the wonderful things our daughters brought; well... it was not a pretty sight.
No, it was an exquisite, beautiful, tear-inducing sight!!

Oh yeah... LB also made a couple stealth visits to Brandt's Candies in Willoughby. Just more glory added to the day.

That was Sunday. But, Monday was a-comin'.

Monday, while I was reveling in the aroma of home-made red beans, ham & rice; Lovely Bride announced, in effect:" I am not going to eat any of the left-over stuff. Too much salt and carbs, and calories for me. Enjoy!"
She then served up a grilled burger sans bun for herself, and a heaping plate of rice, beans and ham for moi. Oh yeah, I must be fair; she did take about a teaspoon of just the beans and ham to taste it.

Well, how do you do?
Do you have any idea of what 150 pounds of left over ham looks like? This is AFTER we gave our girls a quarter-ton apiece to take home! Did you know that a left-over lemon meringue pie is about 18" in diameter, and 8" tall? Somehow, the two strudels managed to morph into The Strudel That Took Over the Fridge. The corn bread?? It has it's own zip code.

I have shouldered my burden with dignity and perseverance.
The pie is now a memory. Most of the strudel has been vanquished. The ham... I think there are about 135 pounds left. The corn bread is receiving junk mail from Publisher's Clearing House.

LB has been reveling in her diligence, her dedication to her program, and steadfastness.

Me... I think I will have another dark chocolate covered marshmallow egg.